Always On The Move

Packing up to go back to school in less than a week.

I love it there. So many adventures with great people, living in a tight-knit community with others and always going, going, going.

But I love it here too. Life is slower, less complicated. There's community here too, smaller yet more intimate.

Divided between two families.

This is my fourth year doing this and you would think it would get easier but I don't think it ever will until we get to heaven.

Then, I can't wait for the epic potluck and family reunion that will happen.

But until then, I'll keep searching for a place to call home.

My favorite spot in my current home:

Sleeping in a hammock because my bed is cluttered with college things,

surrounded by books and art.

Growing Up

My greatest fear is of having to grow up.

Of having Wendy grow old and Christopher Robin go to school. Of having Calvin saying goodbye to Hobbes and Andy giving up Woody. And of Aslan having to tell Lucy that she can no longer come to Narnia.

I think I've always feared growing up because it marked the unknown. Yet unlike dying and thinking about the beauty of heaven, growing up always led to thoughts of melancholy and becoming settled. Stagnant.

I feared the falling action, the resolution. Of the battle being won, the enemy being defeated, and the heroes left to go home and wonder "what next?" after having so many great adventures. The picture that comes most clearly to my head is from the movie, "The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King", as the hobbits venture back home after saving all of Middle Earth. The world is good again, and the heroes are at the pub, drinking a few beers as they watch daily life proceed. Suddenly, there's an uneasiness as the four of them aren't sure what to do next. They've been on the adventure and their lives have been changed. They can't go on living as they used to.

Perhaps, in all honesty, I was afraid of the change. Of having to let go of the certainty that some things will always be the same. For someone with an overactive imagination like me, the worst change that could happen would be to grow up.

Yet, today, I grew up.

I can't describe how it happened. It would take too long to explain and none of it would make any sense, it was merely one of those things that only God and I had known about. Tonight, God merely showed me one little thing, insignificant to the rest of the world, yet it spoke volumes to me as those God moments that forever change your path always do. It came quietly, in the gentle whisper that could be completely missed if it wasn't for the fact that God spoke it directly to my heart, making it not a message for the world but a personal one that was only meant for me. I love how such a great and all-powerful God can become so "small" and intimate so that I can know Him better.

"You're not needed anymore"

That's the best I can describe my experience tonight because that's exactly what God spoke to me. In short, there was a sort of metaphorical passing-the-torch moment. Where someone picked up where I had ended, and I watched someone younger and newer grow up and find their place. My old one.

Those words should have stung. They did for a second. But that's the strange thing about growing up I suppose. You're not ready for it until it happens. Then, you realize that it's not as bad as it seems. In fact, after hearing those words, I was surprised to realize that I felt released. That, although I loved every minute of it, a burden had been lifted off me and I was let go. My job had been finished, there was no need for me to be there.

I think I understand a bit of it now.

When reading the stories, I guess I've always completely missed the last paragraphs. The part where yes, the adventure is over, but for someone else, the story starts again.

Frodo gives the almost completed book to Sam for him to finish. Wendy has a daughter who meets Peter Pan. Andy gives his toys to Bonnie. Harry Potter sends his children off to Hogwarts. The Redwall champions train new warriors to protect the Abbey. Eustace returns to Narnia to begin his own adventures.

This adventure is over. I did what I was called to do and made mistakes along the way. I grew from those mistakes and learned how to become a better person from it.

This chapter is over. The story is not.

"And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and title page: now at last they were beginning Chaper One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis

**Note: It may seem that I'm a little bit nostalgic about the final release of Harry Potter. While this is partly true, God just happens to speak to me sometimes through movies (and as you can tell, books)

**Another Note: This post on growing up seems strange coming from the fact that yesterday I wore footie pajamas to an event. I'm glad I'll never grow out of some things.

Remember Who You Wanted To Be...

"Remember Who You Wanted To Be"

It came from a bumper sticker that one of my professors saw while driving to work. In the midst of all the politician-bashing, religion-slandering, and honor roll bragging, this bumper sticker takes us back to nostalgia, back to Neverland where we could be pirates and Indians and Captain Hook would never win as long as Peter Pan was around.

I remember believing I could talk to animals.

I remember waiting anxiously for the day my superhero powers would come in.

I remember wanting to be a zookeeper, a CIA agent and Robin Hood combined when I grew up.

What did you want to be when you were little?

If you could do anything in the world, regardless of schooling and income, what would you do today?

No Need To Say Goodbye

Listening to: The Call by Regina Spektor & Wunderkind by Alanis Morissette (two of my favorite songs)

When I was younger, I was very shy and so making friends was hard for a introverted child like myself. Our family also used to take many long roadtrips as well as me being taken to many events where I was thoroughly bored.

Thus came about the creation of my imaginary friends.

I had one who was a rather large polar bear named Bob. I’m not sure why he was named Bob but when I was at an incredibly boring event (church), I used to imagine a polar bear roaming around the congregation and what the people would do if they realized that a polar bear was sitting next to them. He was always especially fond of the baptismal area and would go for some nice swims.

There was also a lion, the one that I always wished I owned. He would simply barge in when I was sitting in class. I always hoped that one day a lion would escape from a zoo somewhere and find himself wandering into my classroom. There were no drills that we practiced in school that would help in that situation. Would you feed him a PB&J sandwich? Would the lion simply sit down in a sunny spot and listen in about the British monarchy?

There were many more as I had quite an imagination and found myself constantly daydreaming as my family would take the long trips to Illinois or California. Ethan was my good friend that always went on the best adventures while there was a girl that always understood what I was thinking about.

I think I was sixteen when my imagination started to fade, the adventures happened less and less, the stories began to disappear gradually. I started to think about things that pertained to my life instead—school, family, guys, work, my future, all worries that took over my mind.

I began to feel more like the old Professor, rather than Lucy

I honestly pushed them out of my mind until recently, when I found myself sitting in a car and staring out of a window bored. Staring through the trees, I glimpsed, for a second, one of those imaginary characters in the forest next to the highway. He was staring back at me, with a longing look to come back and continue our adventures.

Maybe we were never meant to grow up.

"Please Aslan, before we go, will you tell us when we can come back to Narnia again? Please. And oh, do, do, do, make it soon."


"Dearest," said Aslan very gently, "you and your brother will never come back to Narnia."


"Oh, Aslan!!" said Edmund and Lucy both together in despairing voices.


"You are too old, children," said Aslan, "and you must begin to come close to your own world now."


"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"


"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.


"Are — are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.


"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name.

This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."

Please Aslan??

"Please Aslan, before we go, will you tell us when we can come back to Narnia again? Please. And oh, do, do, do, make it soon."

"Dearest," said Aslan very gently, "you and your brother will never come back to Narnia."

"Oh Aslan!" said Edmund and Lucy both together in despairing voices.

"You are too old, children," said Aslan, "and you must begin to come close to your own world now." 

"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"

"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.

"Are-- are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.

"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."