Growing Up

My greatest fear is of having to grow up.

Of having Wendy grow old and Christopher Robin go to school. Of having Calvin saying goodbye to Hobbes and Andy giving up Woody. And of Aslan having to tell Lucy that she can no longer come to Narnia.

I think I've always feared growing up because it marked the unknown. Yet unlike dying and thinking about the beauty of heaven, growing up always led to thoughts of melancholy and becoming settled. Stagnant.

I feared the falling action, the resolution. Of the battle being won, the enemy being defeated, and the heroes left to go home and wonder "what next?" after having so many great adventures. The picture that comes most clearly to my head is from the movie, "The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King", as the hobbits venture back home after saving all of Middle Earth. The world is good again, and the heroes are at the pub, drinking a few beers as they watch daily life proceed. Suddenly, there's an uneasiness as the four of them aren't sure what to do next. They've been on the adventure and their lives have been changed. They can't go on living as they used to.

Perhaps, in all honesty, I was afraid of the change. Of having to let go of the certainty that some things will always be the same. For someone with an overactive imagination like me, the worst change that could happen would be to grow up.

Yet, today, I grew up.

I can't describe how it happened. It would take too long to explain and none of it would make any sense, it was merely one of those things that only God and I had known about. Tonight, God merely showed me one little thing, insignificant to the rest of the world, yet it spoke volumes to me as those God moments that forever change your path always do. It came quietly, in the gentle whisper that could be completely missed if it wasn't for the fact that God spoke it directly to my heart, making it not a message for the world but a personal one that was only meant for me. I love how such a great and all-powerful God can become so "small" and intimate so that I can know Him better.

"You're not needed anymore"

That's the best I can describe my experience tonight because that's exactly what God spoke to me. In short, there was a sort of metaphorical passing-the-torch moment. Where someone picked up where I had ended, and I watched someone younger and newer grow up and find their place. My old one.

Those words should have stung. They did for a second. But that's the strange thing about growing up I suppose. You're not ready for it until it happens. Then, you realize that it's not as bad as it seems. In fact, after hearing those words, I was surprised to realize that I felt released. That, although I loved every minute of it, a burden had been lifted off me and I was let go. My job had been finished, there was no need for me to be there.

I think I understand a bit of it now.

When reading the stories, I guess I've always completely missed the last paragraphs. The part where yes, the adventure is over, but for someone else, the story starts again.

Frodo gives the almost completed book to Sam for him to finish. Wendy has a daughter who meets Peter Pan. Andy gives his toys to Bonnie. Harry Potter sends his children off to Hogwarts. The Redwall champions train new warriors to protect the Abbey. Eustace returns to Narnia to begin his own adventures.

This adventure is over. I did what I was called to do and made mistakes along the way. I grew from those mistakes and learned how to become a better person from it.

This chapter is over. The story is not.

"And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and title page: now at last they were beginning Chaper One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis

**Note: It may seem that I'm a little bit nostalgic about the final release of Harry Potter. While this is partly true, God just happens to speak to me sometimes through movies (and as you can tell, books)

**Another Note: This post on growing up seems strange coming from the fact that yesterday I wore footie pajamas to an event. I'm glad I'll never grow out of some things.

Shalom

It's been a full month since I last wore shoes.

I wear flip-flops because it's easy to kick them off and run in the grass

It's one of my favorite things: feeling soft grass underneath my feet.

I keep Tennessee's reputation of people never having shoes alive.

You would too if you just tried it.

Almost everyday I walk with my dog at sunset, and we watch as God says goodnight with a marvelous array of colors.

I walk slow. So my dog can smell everything in the world and so I can look at the colors.

I like to listen to soundtracks while I walk. It brings more adventure.

Plus, music without words allows for my mind to wander.

To go where it needs to.

Sometimes my mind wanders to the places that I've locked away because it hurts to think about them.

You know what I'm talking about. The place your mind darts away from as soon as it comes near the door.

On these walks, the door opens a little bit.

I explore the hurt, wonder about the future, imagine all the possibilities

I beseech you to try it. Narnia's soundtrack is phenomenal but Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium's music is best.

Sometimes when people see me walking barefoot and my dog off her leash, they give me the evil eye as they drive by in their expensive cars.

They don't understand. They have perfectly manicured yards but never go outside to enjoy them. They must have forgotten what soft grass under their feet feels like.

As for my dog, she's never left my side. There's no point in tying up your best friend if she's never two feet away.

I promise I'm not a hippie. Just happy that summer is here so I can be free.

When it gets dark while we're wandering, I like to just stop and sit in front of this barn that's in the middle of the neighborhood and watch the fireflies dance their summer jig.

There's a small farm on the side of my subdivision. I like to imagine that there's an old man that lives there, sitting on the porch with a shotgun, ready to shoot anyone who comes knocking and suggesting that he can sell the farm for a good deal of money.

If I ever saw him, I think I'd like to be friends with him. Someone like that must have a lot of determination.

And hope for better days. Or maybe just memories.

If there's still light outside and it's an exceptionally glorious sunset, I'll climb out onto the roof of my house and watch the sunset.

My cat joins me. She enjoys watching people outside.

Usually this is when most people stare me down as they drive or run past.

As you can imagine, we get a lot of letters from the neighborhood association.

Nobody ever asks what I'm doing up there.

Nobody ever really talks to anyone anymore.

I'm scared neighborhoods like that are extinct.

If anyone ever did ask, I'd definitely invite them up to come join me

Once they saw the sunset, they'd understand.

They'd understand life. And how it's supposed to be full of moments like these.

The rest of my day is full of other things. Working, schedules, the 25 page paper that's supposed to be due in 5 days.

I'm on page 5.

But for that one hour, as the sun sets, my life is at peace.

Shalom: well-being of mind, heart, and body, individually and communally