It Is Well WIth My Soul

I'm sitting outside on my roof tonight, joined with my cat and a gazillion stars outside. The neighborhood is still. It's hot and sticky out here as the humidity never goes away, even after the sun has gone.

I can't help but fall in love with the stars. Each time I go out to look at them I fall more in love with God.

Tonight, it is quiet.

Usually, God and I have some intense moments together. Sometimes, He admonishes me, challenges me or breaks me open. Every time, He tells me how much He loves me.

Not tonight. Tonight, He is quiet. And so am I.

It's not a bad thing. He's merely showing me that I need to rest. To be still.

God likes to speak in the silence. Sometimes, that is when He is most powerful.

So many wonderful things have happened this summer. Adventures to different places. Living in community with people who won't accept "Good" as an answer when asking how your day is going. Moments when people say "You too? I thought I was the only one!" and striking up friendships with acquaintances after sharing a laugh together.

So much praying has happened as well. I am truly scared of what lies ahead in the too-near future because it's so unknown. So many "what ifs" and ideas of what is to come. Countless decisions have to be made soon and I have no idea which one to choose.

But as for this moment, listening to the quiet and resting under the stars, it is well with my soul

"I am not a bold man even though I want to be

I am just a dreamer with a timid history
Scared of confrontations I fume all through the night
The world has it's hold on me and I just want to fly
The sky, the sky is open wide
But I can't fly 'til I step aside
Rest easy
Have no fear
I love you perfectly
And perfect love drives out fear
I'll take your burden
You take my grace
Rest easy
In my embrace"

Rest Easy by Audio Adrenaline

Shalom

It's been a full month since I last wore shoes.

I wear flip-flops because it's easy to kick them off and run in the grass

It's one of my favorite things: feeling soft grass underneath my feet.

I keep Tennessee's reputation of people never having shoes alive.

You would too if you just tried it.

Almost everyday I walk with my dog at sunset, and we watch as God says goodnight with a marvelous array of colors.

I walk slow. So my dog can smell everything in the world and so I can look at the colors.

I like to listen to soundtracks while I walk. It brings more adventure.

Plus, music without words allows for my mind to wander.

To go where it needs to.

Sometimes my mind wanders to the places that I've locked away because it hurts to think about them.

You know what I'm talking about. The place your mind darts away from as soon as it comes near the door.

On these walks, the door opens a little bit.

I explore the hurt, wonder about the future, imagine all the possibilities

I beseech you to try it. Narnia's soundtrack is phenomenal but Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium's music is best.

Sometimes when people see me walking barefoot and my dog off her leash, they give me the evil eye as they drive by in their expensive cars.

They don't understand. They have perfectly manicured yards but never go outside to enjoy them. They must have forgotten what soft grass under their feet feels like.

As for my dog, she's never left my side. There's no point in tying up your best friend if she's never two feet away.

I promise I'm not a hippie. Just happy that summer is here so I can be free.

When it gets dark while we're wandering, I like to just stop and sit in front of this barn that's in the middle of the neighborhood and watch the fireflies dance their summer jig.

There's a small farm on the side of my subdivision. I like to imagine that there's an old man that lives there, sitting on the porch with a shotgun, ready to shoot anyone who comes knocking and suggesting that he can sell the farm for a good deal of money.

If I ever saw him, I think I'd like to be friends with him. Someone like that must have a lot of determination.

And hope for better days. Or maybe just memories.

If there's still light outside and it's an exceptionally glorious sunset, I'll climb out onto the roof of my house and watch the sunset.

My cat joins me. She enjoys watching people outside.

Usually this is when most people stare me down as they drive or run past.

As you can imagine, we get a lot of letters from the neighborhood association.

Nobody ever asks what I'm doing up there.

Nobody ever really talks to anyone anymore.

I'm scared neighborhoods like that are extinct.

If anyone ever did ask, I'd definitely invite them up to come join me

Once they saw the sunset, they'd understand.

They'd understand life. And how it's supposed to be full of moments like these.

The rest of my day is full of other things. Working, schedules, the 25 page paper that's supposed to be due in 5 days.

I'm on page 5.

But for that one hour, as the sun sets, my life is at peace.

Shalom: well-being of mind, heart, and body, individually and communally

The Stars

Every year God and I like to come together and make a type of New Year’s Resolution. These resolutions are things that God asks me to work on to help build me as a better person and stronger Christian. They have been things such as “Be more encouraging,” “Hang out with the people who seem unwanted” and other biblical truths that could help me grow not only during that year but for future years as well.

Last year, however, was a little different. My senior year of high school was proving to be challenging to me as many things were changing, life was throwing many difficulties my way, and I really started wondering if I truly wanted to live for God for the rest of my life. It was such a huge commitment because I didn’t want to give up my hopes and my future, to go on a “rabbit chase” for some plan of God’s. I was frustrated because I wasn’t sure of anything for my future. God wasn’t telling me anything about the plans He had for me. I had no idea what school I was going to, what I would do, and whenever I thought about my future all I could see was total nothingness. My future was blank and God wasn’t going to tell me anything about it. And so, my relationship with God started to become distant as I began to really wonder if giving up my entire life to God was the right thing for me.

So when the time came for us to talk about our new year’s resolution, I was excited because then I figured that all questions about my future would finally be revealed to me and I would know what God wanted me to do with my life. Wrong. I was sitting there all excited to know what my future held and all He told me was “Look at the stars.”

Umm…what?? Am I supposed to be an astronaut? What does that have anything to do with my future? Plus it’s February, I’m definitely not sitting outside all night long in February—it’s freezing! I refused, that was so dumb and I didn’t understand how that was supposed to help me at all. And I didn’t look at the stars. It was ridiculous and illogical, the only thing I would get out of it would be an intense cold.

For the next few months, I started really spiraling downwards. My relationship with God was just me talking to Him angrily, asking Him why I always felt depressed. Nothing was really happening, I floated by in school and was barely able to stay awake in my classes. I had started working and simply hated working even though it was a great job. I was angry and confused with God but most of all, I was scared—scared of being alone in the big world. I really wanted to be back in a great relationship with God but I didn’t know how as I was refusing to give in to His command. I kept asking Him to deliver me from everything I struggled with but it seemed as if I never got an answer. From another perspective, everything seemed great, but I felt as if I was withering away inside.

Eight months had gone by since I started arguing with God. I still had no idea what I was going to do with my life and wasn’t really sure where I was going. I then remembered what God had asked me long ago. It was a beautiful night in July without a cloud in the sky and I decided to go outside and look at the stars.

The moment I laid down on my roof, everything I had asked God, everything that I complained about that God was torturing me simply disappeared.* (I'm a huge fan of footnotes--check below)

It was as if I could finally see a part of God's great and mysterious mind. Looking at the stars, I realized how big they are and that there are an infinite number of them. But these stars are mere specks to our Creator.

And yet, even though we are even smaller than the stars, He still loves each of us uncontrollably

And there I was, one small insignificant being, daring to question the authority that God had on my life.

And I realized that if He can keep all of universe still spinning in space, maybe He just might know a thing or two about my life.

__________________________________________________________________

A few days ago I went out, one year later from the day that I experienced God's glory. I thought about how dismal my life had been struggling to fully accept a God that I will never see. I remembered how I realized that if there was a time to give up and go my own way, it would have been that night. I remember how close I was to calling it quits with a thing called Faith.

And I look back to the past year, all the joy that I experienced (Ocoee Outreach, Lee, Starlite, Deer Run to name all the big ones) and growing not only in my faith in God but also growing to learn how to believe in myself--that's when I know that God truly loves me.

*Psalm 8:3-4

I peer up through the smog,

Try to wrap my head round the size of it all:

Just how big are you, God? How big are your hands?

The moon, the stars, placed just the right place,

The planets pushed just the right pace.

Just how big are you, God? How big is your heart?

How come you notice me, care for this lowlife,

This lonely life, the other end of space?