"No, life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath... We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?"

--Donald Miller

Goodbye 2009!

Thursday, December 31, 2009

A few years ago, I was challenged by a teacher to make 100 New Year's resolutions for the next year, they don't have to be big or intense, but to do small things that make life more interesting. (Here's 2008 in case you were interested)

2009

  1. Buy the Lion King [X]
  2. Try out for the Amazing Race (not possible but it’s ok)
  3. Play cards with the family [X]
  4. Work with Acquire the Fire [X]
  5. Go on a spontaneous roadtrip [X]
  6. Go to a zoo. Anywhere (I went to an aquarium. It counts) [X]
  7. Play more Ultimate [X]
  8. Have an awesome message at Starlite [X]
  9. Go on Urban Outreach again [X]
  10. Watch the Hannah Montana Movie [X]
  11. Make a music video [X]
  12. Eat at Pancho’s at least 20 times [X]
  13. Go to Beach Week
  14. Go on a mission trip [X]
  15. Spend a quiet time with God at least 2x a week [X]
  16. Exercise often [X]
  17. Spend less time on the internet and TV [X]
  18. Watch the stars [X]
  19. Dance in the rain [X]
  20. Make dinner for people in my hall [X]
  21. Spend more time with my roommate [X]
  22. Strengthen new friendships [X]
  23. Maintain old relationships [X]
  24. Call extended family
  25. Go to a Chinese buffet all day
  26. Go on a scavenger hunt [X]
  27. Watch sunset and sunrise on the same day [X]
  28. Buy something off an infomercial
  29. Get a piñata [X]
  30. Buy something from a lemonade stand
  31. Make an unexpected friend [X]
  32. Order pizza with a ridiculous accent
  33. Learn how to street drum
  34. Learn to break dance
  35. Have a dance party [X]
  36. Do karoke [X]
  37. Learn to count to 10 in 10 different languages (I’m at 4)
  38. Hang out with homeless people [X]
  39. Go to a concert [X]
  40. Drink 100 oz. of water a day [X]
  41. Color in my coloring book [X]
  42. Write letters, not emails, but old school 42¢ letters [X]
  43. Go hiking [X]
  44. Fly a kite
  45. Read in my Spanish Bible [X]
  46. Make an art book! [X]
  47. Have a waffle night [X]
  48. Play board games with friends [X]
  49. Be more encouraging [X]
  50. Talk to Paul Conn [X]
  51. Apply for Deer Run [X]

The following were at Deer Run

  1. Create lasting relationships [XX]
  2. Catch a fish with my bare hands (heck yeah I did!) [X]
  3. Conquer fear of heights on ropes course (faced fear yes, conquered no)
  4. Go canoeing [X]
  5. Change lives [X]
  6. Grow as a leader [X]
  7. Grow in my relationship with God [X]
  8. Have an amazing summer! [XX]
  9. Go fishing [X]
  10. Stare at the stars all the time [X]
  11. Find the albino deer! [X]
  12. Pet a deer (next summer…)
  13. Blob somebody
  14. Play paintball! [X]


  1. Find a church in Cleveland [X]
  2. Get involved in said church
  3. Hang out with my brothers and sisters more from TSC [X]
  4. Have movie nights [X]
  5. Call more people [X]
  6. Eat more vegetables
  7. Spend less time on facebook
  8. Read a really great book [XX]
  9. Learn to play racquetball
  10. Go on more walks with Diamond [X]
  11. Get to know my neighbors (ehh not as well as I would have liked)
  12. Watch David Crowder in concert (*sigh* one day…)
  13. Write encouraging notes to girls on my hall [X]
  14. Finish reading through the Bible [X]
  15. Donate Blood [X]
  16. Break some rules [X]
  17. Climb to the top of a roof [X]
  18. Go cliff-jumping
  19. Stop procrastinating
  20. Go to bed at a decent hour (seeing as I’m doing this at 3 a.m.? fail.)
  21. Figure out what’s going down in life
  22. Complete counseling [X]
  23. Go on some more Jesus walks [X]
  24. Get good grades
  25. Spend a day in my PJs [X]
  26. Go to the public library and read in the Children’s section [X]
  27. Do a random act of kindness [X]
  28. Sleep in my hammock [X]
  29. Become a floor leader [X]
  30. Have a reunion with my imaginary friends [X]
  31. Have family time [X]
  32. Giggle [X]
  33. Become a Youtube sensation [X] (I think so!)
  34. Be awesome [X]
  35. Complete most of the items on this list (77 completed!) [X]

Broken (End of the Year Pondering)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

"You Think" by Jenny and Tyler

‘cause what will the think of me

when they finally see

this little girl they know

doesn’t let her bruises show

it’s not what they think

it’s how You think of me

This semester has been one of the most ridiculous stages in my life. And when I say “ridiculous,” what I mean is “excruciatingly hard and challenging.” These past five months have been a journey, a journey into brokenness.

My life had been going fantastically, I had wrapped up three of the best months of my life at a summer camp, and was so excited for another year of college as great as the one before.

Then I had an old friend pass away. I hadn’t seen or talked to this person in a long time, we had grown apart throughout the years and became more like acquaintances, yet it was still a blow, one harder than I had expected as a young life is always harder to accept.

In a very short amount of time, I had experienced the deaths of more than ten loved ones. Over time, although I did not become completely hardened from the grief, I did become numb to the pain.

This semester was all about coming to terms with the pain, realizing it would never fully fade away, but learning how to deal with life in general. It was a wave of exhaustion as pain didn’t come in a small trickle but in a steady downpour.

Through it all, I did nothing but question God and ask Him why the pain was still coming.

We call God the potter and see ourselves as the clay, ready to be formed into a masterpiece. I always picture God sitting in a workshop, gently forming me into something great. But I always tend to forget that any good artist must first knead the clay so that it’s soft, beating it until I can finally be formed into something.

This season of my life has been about being beaten so that I can be ready to be formed.

I’ve hated absolutely every minute of this growing exercise God puts us through. Routinely, I’ve managed to call God a jerk for doing this to me without being struck by lightening.

But I’ve also learned a lot about accepting the brokenness, being tired to the point of exhaustion.

Like it’s okay to admit that I’m hurting.

The LORD gave another message to Jeremiah. He said, “Go down to the shop where clay pots and jars are made. I will speak to you while you are there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so the potter squashed the jar into a lump of clay and started again. Then the LORD gave me this message: “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand. Jeremiah 18:1-6

Oh Family!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Family, oh family
When we're together for too long
Things get interesting...

I can't really describe you to what's going down in our household
But this is almost an exact representation of my life

Dear Anna Ho,

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Happy Birthday!!

I can’t help but think back to when I first met you. I thought you were the strangest person in the world and that even though we would work together in Starlite, we would never really get along.

We are nothing alike.

Except that out of any relationship I’ve had with a person, our friendship has been the most God-destined relationship ever. Like when we actually got to know each other and talked about every detail of our lives under the shooting stars--that’s when I remember being so humbled by God to never judge a person again. And I still laugh when I found out that you thought the same thing about me—that I was the weirdest person ever and you would never be friends with me.

Boy did God prove us wrong.

We survived bomb threats together and became sidekicks.

We’ve watched the stars together, made tye-dye together, stayed up all night talking and watched sunsets and sunrises together (even though you secretly hated me for making you wake up for the sunrise).

You even accepted the fact that I have footie pajamas and had to yell the Circle of Life when I saw the sun come up.

You were the one who taught me to be vulnerable, even though the two of us suck at that, somehow you breached through all those walls. You learned about all the hurts and pains that I had learned to keep hidden and somehow you found them and helped me sort my thoughts. I feel like I’ve known you forever. Best friend isn’t really the title I would give you—it’s more like confidant, secret-keeper, or my dearest sister in Christ.

And now you’re leaving me.

And it’s something that just happens. I’ve learned that that’s how life works. We graduate from college. We get married. We have children and stand in awe of how cute they are.

But I’m really going to miss you.

You’ve helped me out with so much this past year, told me the truth even though it’s hurt both me and you, and listened to my worries and plans for life. We may grow apart throughout the years but I’ll always remember the great things that you’ve done for me simply by listening to me.

I love you Anna, you’ve made an incredible impact in my life.

Questions for God

Monday, December 14, 2009

When I can't sleep, this is what I think about:
  • Why do fish look so weird?
  • Do you have a favorite moment in history?
  • How many stars are there?
  • So, really, how many hairs do I have on my head?
  • Are unicorns for real?
  • What really happened to the dinosaurs?
  • What were you thinking when you made the platypus?
  • Do you have a favorite place that you've created?
  • Where's Waldo?
  • Are there aliens?
  • Before you created Eve, were there female animals?
  • What brings joy to you?
  • How do you fit the universe in your hands and still know everything about me?
  • When I get to heaven, can I fly?
  • Why did you make wasps?
  • Do animals go to heaven?

I Like This...

Friday, December 4, 2009

What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?

This radical Christian's ministry for the poor, The Simple Way, has gotten him in some trouble with his fellow Evangelicals. We asked him to address those who don't believe.

By Shane Claiborne

[more from this author]

Shane Claiborne

The Simple Way

To all my nonbelieving, sort-of-believing, and used-to-be-believing friends: I feel like I should begin with a confession. I am sorry that so often the biggest obstacle to God has been Christians. Christians who have had so much to say with our mouths and so little to show with our lives. I am sorry that so often we have forgotten the Christ of our Christianity.

Forgive us. Forgive us for the embarrassing things we have done in the name of God.

The other night I headed into downtown Philly for a stroll with some friends from out of town. We walked down to Penn's Landing along the river, where there are street performers, artists, musicians. We passed a great magician who did some pretty sweet tricks like pour change out of his iPhone, and then there was a preacher. He wasn't quite as captivating as the magician. He stood on a box, yelling into a microphone, and beside him was a coffin with a fake dead body inside. He talked about how we are all going to die and go to hell if we don't know Jesus.

Some folks snickered. Some told him to shut the hell up. A couple of teenagers tried to steal the dead body in the coffin. All I could do was think to myself, I want to jump up on a box beside him and yell at the top of my lungs, "God is not a monster." Maybe next time I will.

The more I have read the Bible and studied the life of Jesus, the more I have become convinced that Christianity spreads best not through force but through fascination. But over the past few decades our Christianity, at least here in the United States, has become less and less fascinating. We have given the atheists less and less to disbelieve. And the sort of Christianity many of us have seen on TV and heard on the radio looks less and less like Jesus.

At one point Gandhi was asked if he was a Christian, and he said, essentially, "I sure love Jesus, but the Christians seem so unlike their Christ." A recent study showed that the top three perceptions of Christians in the U. S. among young non-Christians are that Christians are 1) antigay, 2) judgmental, and 3) hypocritical. So what we have here is a bit of an image crisis, and much of that reputation is well deserved. That's the ugly stuff. And that's why I begin by saying that I'm sorry.

Now for the good news.

I want to invite you to consider that maybe the televangelists and street preachers are wrong — and that God really is love. Maybe the fruits of the Spirit really are beautiful things like peace, patience, kindness, joy, love, goodness, and not the ugly things that have come to characterize religion, or politics, for that matter. (If there is anything I have learned from liberals and conservatives, it's that you can have great answers and still be mean... and that just as important as being right is being nice.)

The Bible that I read says that God did not send Jesus to condemn the world but to save it... it was because "God so loved the world." That is the God I know, and I long for others to know. I did not choose to devote my life to Jesus because I was scared to death of hell or because I wanted crowns in heaven... but because he is good. For those of you who are on a sincere spiritual journey, I hope that you do not reject Christ because of Christians. We have always been a messed-up bunch, and somehow God has survived the embarrassing things we do in His name. At the core of our "Gospel" is the message that Jesus came "not [for] the healthy... but the sick." And if you choose Jesus, may it not be simply because of a fear of hell or hope for mansions in heaven.

Don't get me wrong, I still believe in the afterlife, but too often all the church has done is promise the world that there is life after death and use it as a ticket to ignore the hells around us. I am convinced that the Christian Gospel has as much to do with this life as the next, and that the message of that Gospel is not just about going up when we die but about bringing God's Kingdom down. It was Jesus who taught us to pray that God's will be done "on earth as it is in heaven." On earth.

One of Jesus' most scandalous stories is the story of the Good Samaritan. As sentimental as we may have made it, the original story was about a man who gets beat up and left on the side of the road. A priest passes by. A Levite, the quintessential religious guy, also passes by on the other side (perhaps late for a meeting at church). And then comes the Samaritan... you can almost imagine a snicker in the Jewish crowd. Jews did not talk to Samaritans, or even walk through Samaria. But the Samaritan stops and takes care of the guy in the ditch and is lifted up as the hero of the story. I'm sure some of the listeners were ticked. According to the religious elite, Samaritans did not keep the right rules, and they did not have sound doctrine... but Jesus shows that true faith has to work itself out in a way that is Good News to the most bruised and broken person lying in the ditch.

It is so simple, but the pious forget this lesson constantly. God may indeed be evident in a priest, but God is just as likely to be at work through a Samaritan or a prostitute. In fact the Scripture is brimful of God using folks like a lying prostitute named Rahab, an adulterous king named David... at one point God even speaks to a guy named Balaam through his donkey. Some say God spoke to Balaam through his ass and has been speaking through asses ever since. So if God should choose to use us, then we should be grateful but not think too highly of ourselves. And if upon meeting someone we think God could never use, we should think again.

After all, Jesus says to the religious elite who looked down on everybody else: "The tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the Kingdom ahead of you." And we wonder what got him killed?

I have a friend in the UK who talks about "dirty theology" — that we have a God who is always using dirt to bring life and healing and redemption, a God who shows up in the most unlikely and scandalous ways. After all, the whole story begins with God reaching down from heaven, picking up some dirt, and breathing life into it. At one point, Jesus takes some mud, spits in it, and wipes it on a blind man's eyes to heal him. (The priests and producers of anointing oil were not happy that day.)

In fact, the entire story of Jesus is about a God who did not just want to stay "out there" but who moves into the neighborhood, a neighborhood where folks said, "Nothing good could come." It is this Jesus who was accused of being a glutton and drunkard and rabble-rouser for hanging out with all of society's rejects, and who died on the imperial cross of Rome reserved for bandits and failed messiahs. This is why the triumph over the cross was a triumph over everything ugly we do to ourselves and to others. It is the final promise that love wins.

It is this Jesus who was born in a stank manger in the middle of a genocide. That is the God that we are just as likely to find in the streets as in the sanctuary, who can redeem revolutionaries and tax collectors, the oppressed and the oppressors... a God who is saving some of us from the ghettos of poverty, and some of us from the ghettos of wealth.

In closing, to those who have closed the door on religion — I was recently asked by a non-Christian friend if I thought he was going to hell. I said, "I hope not. It will be hard to enjoy heaven without you." If those of us who believe in God do not believe God's grace is big enough to save the whole world... well, we should at least pray that it is.

Your brother,

Shane



Read more: http://www.esquire.com/features/best-and-brightest-2009/shane-claiborne-1209#ixzz0Yhjf9dL7

O Christmas Tree

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

This past weekend I waged an epic battle with fake Christmas trees. There's nothing I enjoy better than having 7 foot Majestic pines fall on me. (And that happened a lot).

Then, on Monday I went to the shelter and they were setting up Christmas trees.

Oh joy, more trees to fall on me

We were setting up this beautiful fake fir, trying to figure out which fake branch goes where, making sure the tree didn't topple over and laughing at our pathetic Charlie Brown tree.

Then, one of the ladies from the shelter looked at us with eyes that were trying to hold back a waterfall, and had to excuse herself.

Later when she returned, she told us that it had been 5 years since she had last set up a Christmas tree

Five years since she had last had a place to stay

Five years since she last had a home

A Christmas tree doesn't just symbolize Christmas and winter joy; it symbolizes home

One must have a home to set up a tree

And for all my complaining about setting up stupid trees

I'll think about it differently next time

I Have Realized My Life's Purpose

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Some life goals I would like to achieve:
  • Become a Youtube Sensation
  • Have a child named after me (Pookie)
  • Have a Wikipedia article about me
"The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example."
--Some British guy who has a reputable status

Do You Want To Know A Secret?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Well, do you?

I'm writing an entire 8-page paper based on Wikipedia articles

Other thoughts going on in my head:

  • We need to install a chocolate milk fountain in my room
  • The Mayan language is not interesting enough to write a paper about
  • I love soccer. I forgot about that
  • Small children's toothless smiles make me incredibly happy
  • I don't like school. Mainly science. Or actually teachers that can't teach.
  • Thinking about my future freaks me out so I think about it
  • Could someone tell me why am I an education major again?
  • I can't believe I hated New England Clam Chowder for the past 19 years of my life
  • I have an intense craving for chocolate chip cookie dough
  • Jesus is the coolest. I love you.
  • I wish I had someone around 24/7 to make my hair look awesome.
  • Water is incredibly delicious, but chocolate milk is better

Meditations

Monday, November 9, 2009

In Descartes' work Meditations, the narrator realizes that the everything he has ever believed in is now being doubted. He resolves to destroy every preconceived notion he's ever simply assumed and rebuild his notions around what can be proved as certain. Yet, as Descartes starts to examine the world around him and questions everything around him, everything starts looking shaky. He doesn't know what to trust anymore. Senses such as sight and sound, used since he was a young boy, can no longer be trusted, his senses could be lying to him. Descartes even starts questioning the presence of God, for all he knows, God could merely be an evil demon, deceiving him and telling him lies about the world. 
Descartes then realizes that there is nothing left to believe in. He is all alone in the world.

It finally makes sense to me how Descartes could question everything around him. 

I do it every time I doubt God and his power. I begin doubting God's plans for me, basically stating that I am doubting in God's almighty power. 
What if this happens? What if this doesn't happen? How can I trust that this is what will happen? 

I doubt everything about me
Am I capable of doing this? How can I spread God's love? I am merely a little girl. There's nothing special about me. 

I doubt God
Is this really God talking to me? Am I imagining things? Why would He want me to do this? 

And then I'm left with nothing. 

It is in the nothing when we realize that there must be something bigger out there.




Celebrity Crush

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Ok so I'm not one to freak out over the latest hott guy on TV or practice signing my last name with my celebrity crush's last name (although I would be estatic if my future husband looked somewhat like Enrique Iglesias). 

But seriously, who wouldn't fall in love with someone who not only possesses the most beautiful imagination and creates beautiful music and loves John Piper, but also promotes wearing these?

Footie Pajamas?

I think I've found my dream man.


Monday, October 26, 2009

It seems like all I do is homework

except for the times when I decide to have a break


Fall Break! Fall Break!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Only 48 hours is standing between me and my Fall Break (aka 4 days of bliss)
And while 48 hours can go so fast while it's the weekend or Thanksgiving holiday
It can go so slowly when I have 5 classes and 2 exams to complete before then
UGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

I just want my peace and quiet

Oh and as for some good books and music to listen to this fall break?
I highly recommend Drops Like Stars by Rob Bell to read and "One-Eyed Cat" by Jenny and Tyler for some musical goodness.


How Did You...Oh Wait, You're God

Friday, October 2, 2009

How did you know? 
That the struggles I deal with, 
The ones where I feel all alone
Isolated from the rest of humanity.
The ones where I ask
Why do I have to go through this?
That those struggles turn into experiences
That I can share with other people.
Where suddenly, in that moment
I understand
Not the big picture
But a bigger one than before.
So that others don't have to feel 
Like they are the only ones in the world.
Somehow you just knew

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one." --C.S. Lewis

Welcome To The World Baby!!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Last night I ended up taking a friend to the hospital at 2 am because we suspected some appendicitis action (she doesn't --false alarm). We ended up staying there until 6 in the morning before we finally got to leave. 

While in the waiting room, we sat across a young couple who looked no older than 23. The man looked nervous and seemed frightened out of his mind. Yet, unlike all the other patients waiting in the room, the woman had an unnatural glow around her.  And they kept looking at each other in excitement, whispering, "we're going to have a baby!" 

Watching them, in the moment, it was like I was able to watch something that is not part of this world. Like waking up to a day filled with snow when snow was never in the forecast. It was a happiness, far more powerful than just a snow day yet just as common if not more. It was seeing a miracle in action. 

Hello baby. Welcome to the world.

Thank you God

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Thank you God
For sleepovers
And giggling
And temporary tattoos
Thank you God
For hiking with friends
And eating PB&J sandwiches
And adventures
Thank you God
For seeing waterfalls
And overlooks that show your creations
And for beautiful days
Thank you God
For reading children's books in the kid's section at the library
And naps that leave you refreshed
And walks under the stars
Thank you God
For Monopoly games
And late night Steak n Shake visits
And being in the presence of friends
Thank you God
For Wal-mart trips
And bubble-wrap
And for awesome songs to listen to in the car
Thank you God
For loving me
And trusting me with your great plans
Even if right now I'm so confused and feel alone
Thank you God
For being there next to me
And never leaving nor forsaking me
And never getting angry even when I admit to not liking you at the moment.
I'm just scared, that's all

Home

Friday, September 4, 2009

(I meant to put this up a few weeks ago but then my computer freaked out on me)

Home

[hohm]

noun


a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.

I live in a house.

We moved there almost two years ago.

It lies in a picture-perfect subdivision with children always playing outside and an overbearing homeowners association.

It's a spacious, four bedroom house with 2.5 bathrooms, a gorgeous kitchen and a lot of square footage.

I have my own room painted neon green and a blue ceiling with glow-in-the-dark stars placed in their constellations. A hammock lies next to the window and I sleep in it whenever I come back from school. The window leads to the outside and a small roof juts out from it so I can climb out and see the stars on beautiful nights.

Yet, I still cannot think of that place as home.

It is just a house.

No matter how hard I try, that house is not home. Let’s not get me wrong, I absolutely love my family but it’s just not where my heart belongs.

For the longest time, home was my church, mainly my youth group. I remember being squished in the back of a church van during an eight-hour trip and realizing that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I truly loved being in the presence of my Jesus family. Summer nights playing on the volleyball courts felt like home.

Then I came to college. College was where, somehow, strangers became family and I finally felt like I was accepted without having to follow society’s standards. Starlite retreats and mud football never felt so much like home.

This summer I went to camp. Where, having no one else to be around, we were always around each other. Where staring at shooting stars and fishing became a way of life. And during those peaceful nights, I felt like I was at home.

These past two weeks, I’ve gone from camp, to my house, to my church home, to college.

And I’ve never felt so confused as to where home is.

Where does my heart belong?

Maybe these are simply glimpses of a better place.

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here. --Brooke Fraser "C.S. Lewis Song"

The Stars

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Every year God and I like to come together and make a type of New Year’s Resolution. These resolutions are things that God asks me to work on to help build me as a better person and stronger Christian. They have been things such as “Be more encouraging,” “Hang out with the people who seem unwanted” and other biblical truths that could help me grow not only during that year but for future years as well.

Last year, however, was a little different. My senior year of high school was proving to be challenging to me as many things were changing, life was throwing many difficulties my way, and I really started wondering if I truly wanted to live for God for the rest of my life. It was such a huge commitment because I didn’t want to give up my hopes and my future, to go on a “rabbit chase” for some plan of God’s. I was frustrated because I wasn’t sure of anything for my future. God wasn’t telling me anything about the plans He had for me. I had no idea what school I was going to, what I would do, and whenever I thought about my future all I could see was total nothingness. My future was blank and God wasn’t going to tell me anything about it. And so, my relationship with God started to become distant as I began to really wonder if giving up my entire life to God was the right thing for me.

So when the time came for us to talk about our new year’s resolution, I was excited because then I figured that all questions about my future would finally be revealed to me and I would know what God wanted me to do with my life. Wrong. I was sitting there all excited to know what my future held and all He told me was “Look at the stars.”

Umm…what?? Am I supposed to be an astronaut? What does that have anything to do with my future? Plus it’s February, I’m definitely not sitting outside all night long in February—it’s freezing! I refused, that was so dumb and I didn’t understand how that was supposed to help me at all. And I didn’t look at the stars. It was ridiculous and illogical, the only thing I would get out of it would be an intense cold.

For the next few months, I started really spiraling downwards. My relationship with God was just me talking to Him angrily, asking Him why I always felt depressed. Nothing was really happening, I floated by in school and was barely able to stay awake in my classes. I had started working and simply hated working even though it was a great job. I was angry and confused with God but most of all, I was scared—scared of being alone in the big world. I really wanted to be back in a great relationship with God but I didn’t know how as I was refusing to give in to His command. I kept asking Him to deliver me from everything I struggled with but it seemed as if I never got an answer. From another perspective, everything seemed great, but I felt as if I was withering away inside.

Eight months had gone by since I started arguing with God. I still had no idea what I was going to do with my life and wasn’t really sure where I was going. I then remembered what God had asked me long ago. It was a beautiful night in July without a cloud in the sky and I decided to go outside and look at the stars.

The moment I laid down on my roof, everything I had asked God, everything that I complained about that God was torturing me simply disappeared.* (I'm a huge fan of footnotes--check below)

It was as if I could finally see a part of God's great and mysterious mind. Looking at the stars, I realized how big they are and that there are an infinite number of them. But these stars are mere specks to our Creator.

And yet, even though we are even smaller than the stars, He still loves each of us uncontrollably

And there I was, one small insignificant being, daring to question the authority that God had on my life.

And I realized that if He can keep all of universe still spinning in space, maybe He just might know a thing or two about my life.

__________________________________________________________________

A few days ago I went out, one year later from the day that I experienced God's glory. I thought about how dismal my life had been struggling to fully accept a God that I will never see. I remembered how I realized that if there was a time to give up and go my own way, it would have been that night. I remember how close I was to calling it quits with a thing called Faith.

And I look back to the past year, all the joy that I experienced (Ocoee Outreach, Lee, Starlite, Deer Run to name all the big ones) and growing not only in my faith in God but also growing to learn how to believe in myself--that's when I know that God truly loves me.

*Psalm 8:3-4

I peer up through the smog,

Try to wrap my head round the size of it all:

Just how big are you, God? How big are your hands?

The moon, the stars, placed just the right place,

The planets pushed just the right pace.

Just how big are you, God? How big is your heart?

How come you notice me, care for this lowlife,

This lonely life, the other end of space?

Website Wonders

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I'm back from camp and I'll talk more about that later I guess but for now I felt like imparting some entertainment for the bored

Some of my favorite websites ever!:

Haha...Everyone has them, some just choose to put them on the internet

An awesome website where people submit stories about things that make their life great and inspire me to want to make other people's day

A personal favorite of mine, mainly because usually I can relate with the stories and I come to the sad realization that my life really is average
Example:
Today, I opened my closet. Didn't find Narnia. MLIA.

Because the little things in life make life spectacular (like #879: The Parking Lot Pull Through or #807: That One Really Good Pen That Never Gets Lost)





Summer Update!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

So for the past 5 weeks I've been working at the most magical place in the world  where I've had the opportunity to work as a camp counselor. It's chaos 24/7 which I thrive on and I have learned to love every minute of it (even if I'm sweating constantly and am a feeding ground for insects)
Some things I've experienced so far:
  • 1st day of camp we were blindfolded and led into the middle of the woods to the high ropes course where I was suspended 40 ft in the air. This wouldn't be too big of a deal except for the fact that on my list of Things I Hate The Most, Walking On Ropes comes in third right after Lasagna and Wave pools (The Nashville Zoo jungle gym freaks me out, it's one of those little kid fears that I never grew out of). 
  • One of the goals of the Deer Run Staff is to destroy my fear of heights that as I have been forced off the ground an unholy amount of times.
  • I live and work with some of the greatest 14 people in the world. We work great together because we're usually laughing about something and really live out 1 Corinthians 12
  • Usually the first thought I have in the morning is: I AM SO SORE--thanks to the high ropes course, rock climbing tower, Leap of Faith (basically climbing up a 33 ft. tree and simply jumping down--while harnessed of course but still), and simply climbing into my bunk bed. 
  • I have gained a ridiculous amount of bruises and cuts.
  • I don't wear bug spray anymore because I'm pretty sure that I now just sweat bug spray and mainly because it doesn't work out here
  • Therefore, I wake up every night around 4 a.m. to routinely scratch my bug bites
  • Unless I'm sleeping in the rustic cabins (basically like a tent but with a wooden floor and bunk beds), then I wake up about three times a night praying to God that I don't wake up with a spider crawling on my face.
  • The 1st camp we had was an overnight camp with 3rd-5th graders
  • I was in a cabin with 23 little girls and 4 other female staffers
  • Not too much bothers me anymore--one night I woke up to a little girl telling me she had wet the bed. Yup had to clean it up. Awesome.
  • The best question a kid has asked so far: "What does cir-cum-scise mean?" from the cutest 8 year old girl ever. Not asked to me but a fellow staffer--her answer? "It makes little boys holy." If I had answered, I don't think that child would have innocence anymore.
  • Our staff cabin has the best view overlooking a lake ever.
  • Our lake not only has a zip line where you can fall into the lake but a blob. Like the one in the movie Heavyweights.
  • There's an albino deer at camp. It's completely awesome to spot it.
  • Aslan came to camp with me.
  • One day the director's son, Seth, came up to me and asked me if I wanted some of his chocolate ice cream. Because the ice cream is brown and so am I. That's when I realized I love my life.
  • Almost every night I stare at the stars in pure darkness and gaze at their beauty, thanking God for this opportunity.
  • This past week we had a mission camp where teenagers who have lived hard lives came with the Boys and Girls Club to camp and I had five awesome middle school aged girls in my cabin. 
  • One night I was able to take them out to look at the stars, something some of them have never truly experienced because they live in inner city Columbia.
  • One of them accepted Christ into her life. I shared Christ with her in a canoe.
  • Also thanks to my canoeing awesomeness, I have now earned the name Pookahontas
  • One of my goals this summer is to catch a fish with my bare hands.
  • I catch fireflies every night at dusk.
  • At mission camp, I have successfully learned to pronounce ghetto black girl names like Kadeesha, Tajmah and Neeisha due to the fact that there was only one white camper.
  • Mission camp was also the only camp where I wasn't asked if Pookie was my real name. It was probably accepted as fact because a camper was signed up to come whose name was Tookie. True story.
  • The camp food isn't bad, except for the cheese omelets that look like narsty tacos. And the fact that we eat the same thing every week. 
  • Some kids made a dance/song with the name Pookie which is now sung constantly.
  • I know the Hannah Montana Hoedown Throwdown--little girls idolize me.
  • I love my job.