It Is Well WIth My Soul

I'm sitting outside on my roof tonight, joined with my cat and a gazillion stars outside. The neighborhood is still. It's hot and sticky out here as the humidity never goes away, even after the sun has gone.

I can't help but fall in love with the stars. Each time I go out to look at them I fall more in love with God.

Tonight, it is quiet.

Usually, God and I have some intense moments together. Sometimes, He admonishes me, challenges me or breaks me open. Every time, He tells me how much He loves me.

Not tonight. Tonight, He is quiet. And so am I.

It's not a bad thing. He's merely showing me that I need to rest. To be still.

God likes to speak in the silence. Sometimes, that is when He is most powerful.

So many wonderful things have happened this summer. Adventures to different places. Living in community with people who won't accept "Good" as an answer when asking how your day is going. Moments when people say "You too? I thought I was the only one!" and striking up friendships with acquaintances after sharing a laugh together.

So much praying has happened as well. I am truly scared of what lies ahead in the too-near future because it's so unknown. So many "what ifs" and ideas of what is to come. Countless decisions have to be made soon and I have no idea which one to choose.

But as for this moment, listening to the quiet and resting under the stars, it is well with my soul

"I am not a bold man even though I want to be

I am just a dreamer with a timid history
Scared of confrontations I fume all through the night
The world has it's hold on me and I just want to fly
The sky, the sky is open wide
But I can't fly 'til I step aside
Rest easy
Have no fear
I love you perfectly
And perfect love drives out fear
I'll take your burden
You take my grace
Rest easy
In my embrace"

Rest Easy by Audio Adrenaline

What Heaven Is Going To Be Like

A few years ago, I worked as a counselor at a summer camp near my hometown. While at camp, I found my best friend in the camp director's son, an imaginative 5 year old whom we all called Muff (his older sister nicknamed him "Muffin" but we shortened it to Muff to make it sound tougher). One of my favorite parts of the summer was finding him during my free time to play "Cowboys and Indians" or any other imaginative game that involved in him shooting me. Note: I die spectacular deaths. Muff even created a Pookie dance for me every time I came around and it's fair to say that Muff is one of my favorite people I've ever met.

Anyway, my sister is working again this year at the camp and frequently sees Muff on an everyday basis. This afternoon she sent me the following text, proving that Muff is one of the greatest children I have ever met:

"I asked Muff what he thought we'd do in heaven & he said he wanted to watch the Chronicles of Narnia movies with C.S. Lewis and talk to him about it"

This is possibly the best idea I've ever heard.

Growing Up

My greatest fear is of having to grow up.

Of having Wendy grow old and Christopher Robin go to school. Of having Calvin saying goodbye to Hobbes and Andy giving up Woody. And of Aslan having to tell Lucy that she can no longer come to Narnia.

I think I've always feared growing up because it marked the unknown. Yet unlike dying and thinking about the beauty of heaven, growing up always led to thoughts of melancholy and becoming settled. Stagnant.

I feared the falling action, the resolution. Of the battle being won, the enemy being defeated, and the heroes left to go home and wonder "what next?" after having so many great adventures. The picture that comes most clearly to my head is from the movie, "The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King", as the hobbits venture back home after saving all of Middle Earth. The world is good again, and the heroes are at the pub, drinking a few beers as they watch daily life proceed. Suddenly, there's an uneasiness as the four of them aren't sure what to do next. They've been on the adventure and their lives have been changed. They can't go on living as they used to.

Perhaps, in all honesty, I was afraid of the change. Of having to let go of the certainty that some things will always be the same. For someone with an overactive imagination like me, the worst change that could happen would be to grow up.

Yet, today, I grew up.

I can't describe how it happened. It would take too long to explain and none of it would make any sense, it was merely one of those things that only God and I had known about. Tonight, God merely showed me one little thing, insignificant to the rest of the world, yet it spoke volumes to me as those God moments that forever change your path always do. It came quietly, in the gentle whisper that could be completely missed if it wasn't for the fact that God spoke it directly to my heart, making it not a message for the world but a personal one that was only meant for me. I love how such a great and all-powerful God can become so "small" and intimate so that I can know Him better.

"You're not needed anymore"

That's the best I can describe my experience tonight because that's exactly what God spoke to me. In short, there was a sort of metaphorical passing-the-torch moment. Where someone picked up where I had ended, and I watched someone younger and newer grow up and find their place. My old one.

Those words should have stung. They did for a second. But that's the strange thing about growing up I suppose. You're not ready for it until it happens. Then, you realize that it's not as bad as it seems. In fact, after hearing those words, I was surprised to realize that I felt released. That, although I loved every minute of it, a burden had been lifted off me and I was let go. My job had been finished, there was no need for me to be there.

I think I understand a bit of it now.

When reading the stories, I guess I've always completely missed the last paragraphs. The part where yes, the adventure is over, but for someone else, the story starts again.

Frodo gives the almost completed book to Sam for him to finish. Wendy has a daughter who meets Peter Pan. Andy gives his toys to Bonnie. Harry Potter sends his children off to Hogwarts. The Redwall champions train new warriors to protect the Abbey. Eustace returns to Narnia to begin his own adventures.

This adventure is over. I did what I was called to do and made mistakes along the way. I grew from those mistakes and learned how to become a better person from it.

This chapter is over. The story is not.

"And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and title page: now at last they were beginning Chaper One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis

**Note: It may seem that I'm a little bit nostalgic about the final release of Harry Potter. While this is partly true, God just happens to speak to me sometimes through movies (and as you can tell, books)

**Another Note: This post on growing up seems strange coming from the fact that yesterday I wore footie pajamas to an event. I'm glad I'll never grow out of some things.

Soccer Mom

After nannying two girls for most of the day throughout this past week as their mother went on a trip, my car has gotten rather cluttered. Instead of describing my week, here's a snapshot of what I cleaned out of my car tonight:

• A ridiculous amount of fruit snacks
• Garbage bags, the huge, heavy-duty kind that janitors use, because anything can, and probably will, happen
• Socks, two pairs of three different sizes
• Chuck E. Cheese tokens
• Whoopie cushion from Chuck E. Cheese that immediately broke after being used once (can't say I was too disappointed about that)
• Juice box straws. Which, by the way, I have become awfully talented in driving one-handed while the other hand searches for fallen juice box straws behind me/places straw into the microscopic hole of the juice box. Don't you just feel so safe with me on the road?
• A fishing pole
• A dog biscuit
• More fruit snacks
• Three bathing suits and towels, along with various pool accessories
• Bug spray and sunscreen
• Sidewalk chalk
• Nine cups used for my favorite childhood summertime activity: catching crawdads
• Two shoes that don't match
• Various bits of candy

It's been a rather eventful week, especially since I've had to come to terms with officially becoming a soccer mom.