**I actually wrote this about a month ago. I decided to wait a while to post it because I still needed time to process my life and to have my time of solitude so I could grieve. I thank the people who have been there with me during this time, you have all been very important to my life.
(Original date: 2/23/11)
He was also my dad's best friend.
All weekend long, I was pretty hurt by God. I felt like I was rejected. Abandoned. Why would God, who took my father away 7 years ago, also take away the man who was like my second father? Wasn't the pain I experienced the first time bad enough? Had God not seen my pain?
How could You do this to me?
Numb, I ended up walking around the streets in the nearby city. Not really going anywhere in particular, just ambling along. Wandering.
For three days, I would just wander around town for hours. Walking up and down streets, turning left or right on whims. Going in no certain direction.
I wasn't trying to go somewhere, I was just trying to get away from God.
But He doesn't give up
I did everything I could to shove God away. I told God how angry I was at Him. I made threats against Him. I just wanted to run away from Him.
But I couldn't. This weekend was a glorious spring day with 65º degree weather, the sun shining and everywhere plants were blooming.
And my heart was weeping.
A little girl was swinging on a tire swing. The smile on her face was so radiant as she was flying through the air, unstoppable.
Yet, everything about my life had suddenly stopped.
Butterflies were dancing among the flowers. Life was everywhere to be seen.
But, all I could think about was death.
It was spring and the world was abundant with joy. And at this time, I detested the world with every fiber of my being. How dare the world be beautiful while my world fell apart. Didn't anybody realize that I was breaking inside? My heart was wrought with grief, mangled from the pain and exhausted from the outburst of emotion.
And the world still went on its everyday business, having a glorious day in the process
I kinda felt like God was laughing in my face.
Do you not care?
That's when I pushed God away harder. Shoved him behind me and ran from Him as quickly as possible.
After a long while, I ended up behind a couple jogging. I was pretty miserable by that time, shuffling along, kicking a rock every few feet, not caring about the beautiful day going on its merry way like an overtly obnoxious Disney movie. All I needed now was for some chick to come out of nowhere singing about true love and finding her Prince Charming with baby rabbits and deer trailing along for it to truly sting.
But instead, I looked up and saw the couple in front of me, jogging. The man had a mechanical arm and the lady had a prosthetic leg. I watched as they encouraged each other to keep going. To not give up.
And at that moment, only one thing came into my mind:
They overcame.
They too, had had their fair shares of struggles. They probably asked a lot of questions to God and wondered where He was. There were probably many mornings when they had no motivation to get out of bed.
But somehow, they got up.
And there were probably going to be many more days for them that are full of pain and anguish.
But there were also be days were they look back to see how much they have conquered.
And those days will be worth much more.
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Last night, I was sitting outside admiring the glorious stars. In that quiet moment, I broke down once again. I just wanted to know where God was.
Why would He leave me at a time like this?
And very, very quietly a gentle breeze said, "I am with you."
That's when I knew. That during all that time of walking, during those previous days when I had done nothing but push God away, He had been with me all along. Throughout all that time, He had never once given up on me.
Because Love never Fails.
"Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant. It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't keep track of wrongs. It isn't happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up. Love never fails."
--1 Corinthians 13:4-8
