Love Never Gives Up. Love Never Fails.

Two weeks ago, I sat in the parking lot after student teaching. Gripping the wheel of my car, I sat there holding back tears and frustrated at everything. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to drive off and never return to that school again.
I hated teaching.
I hated being in a school.
And I definitely hated the 5th grade. I didn't even like it the first time around, much less having to return.
It had just been a rough day. The kids were out of control and didn't listen. The lessons that were to be taught ended up in a jumbled chaos and the supervisor who was evaluating my teaching always seemed to leave the room with an angry scowl.
I was drained. And I wasn't sure I wanted to teach anymore.


There goes 3.5 years of college. Wasted.

Those kids don't respect you and don't care about you.

You're nothing but a failure.d

That night, God and I had a talk. I like to call these talks "real talk". It's just me and God and I like to get completely honest with Him. This is exactly how it went:

God. What the f*** are you thinking? You call me to do this, you push me through 3.5 years of school, when I could be doing other things, pursuing other amazing opportunities and then throw me to the lions to be ripped apart? WHY? I'm being pulverized over here and WHERE ARE YOU?? NOW YOU LEAVE ME? God, just give me a break. I don't even want this. I hate these kids. Listen, if you want this to happen, YOU'RE going to have to do something because I'm done here. i can't do this anymore. I'm tired of this s***, and I need you to be the one in charge. Thanks, Stephanie.

For the record, these parts of my journal are always the most hilarious to go back and read, but it's also my favorite. It's good to be raw with God and honest about frustrations, mainly because He already knows what I'm feeling and I'm finally being truthful that I'm in dire need of a saviour.


Anyways, I sat around being miffed for a good while and not really sure what to do when finally God spoke up in the gentlest of whispers

You can't give up just yet.

No duh. Unfortunately I still had about 4 more months of this crap before I could graduate. At least, I felt a little bit better expressing my anger. 


Then, I kinda just broke down and started to pray for just extra love. And patience. Because I was tired and honestly couldn't do anything else.


And the next day was better. And I kept praying for these kids. And for me. Since we're being honest in this post, I'll admit it, mainly for me. 


The next few weeks went by fairly quickly. Some days were good! I was able to leave those days glad that I had spent those extra hours preparing for the lesson, even if it meant only four hours of sleep. Some days were honestly horrible, though I learned to deal with those. Kids are humans too and therefore carry their own burdens, choosing for themselves what their attitude in the classroom was going to be like. I could only do my best and keep praying.


And I realized that I kinda liked being with them.


Tuesday was my last day with those fifty-six kids. We had struggled over math together and still had small battles for control, but we also laughed together too. And got lots of hugs. 


It was also Valentine's Day. And in the morning, I was showered with cute little pieces of cheap, Valentine's candy and cards. And then some boys gave me a teddy bear and roses and my heart started to swell. Those kids really were precious.


But it wasn't until the end of the day that my heart completely broke. I was dragged to the front of the room and presented with a teacher tote bag filled with over $100 worth of office supplies for my new classroom. With grins, the class told me excitedly how they had secretly been filling up the bag for a few weeks and then surrounded me for a group hug. 


I was floored. No way did I deserve this. I didn't even think these kids liked me that much.


The bell had rung and the class was now empty. My teacher hugged me and congratulated me for surviving the fifth grade. With a big smile, she told me how influential I had been over the past few weeks and handed me a stack of notes from the kids.


Wait...me?


Once again, I sat in the parking lot fighting back tears. I was sitting in my car reading the notes from the kids, handling each one like a priceless manuscript. 

Thanks for sitting down and explaining math to me 

Thanks for being patient, you're going to be a really good teacher one day 

Please come back to visit us and promise me that you'll never ever ever forget us 

You were the greatest teacher I had since preschool!

and this one was my personal favorite, one that had been written by a student who had only recently arrived in the US from Mexico:

Journal entry from 2/14:

Dear God, You were right. I shouldn't have wanted to give up so fast. You knew what you were doing in all this and I realize now just how much you should be the center of my life. I am honored to be part of your plan. I don't deserve any of this and I am so incredibly thankful for what you've done. 

Your love NEVER gives up.